How to Overcome Your Fear of Emotional Expression
Improve your relationships with honest communication
Hi there! I hope you’ve had a good week!
I wrote a newsletter in Cruthú Nua yesterday. It was about healing our broken parts and getting in touch with our emotions.
In this post, I want to take it a step further and get you to think about how we can communicate more effectively.
Of course, the closer the relationship, the harder it is sometimes, but dealing with friends, colleagues, and managers can be stressful too if we do not have the right skills.
Many people simply do not know how to express their emotions. It’s quite shocking when you think about it.
They know they have a lot of uncomfortable emotions, but they don’t know how to name them, let alone express them to another human being.
This is sad because to live with your emotions bottled up is to be so alone. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can learn to express them healthily.
When I was younger, I didn’t know how to express my emotions properly and I didn’t like it. I think everyone needs to be able to say how they feel without guilt or shame.
Improve your relationships
You will have healthier relationships when you learn to communicate honestly and openly. It’s not always easy to say if you feel hurt or upset, but what’s the other option?
You could hold a resentment, causing you to withhold your love. That way, the relationship carries on, but you don’t feel close.
It takes courage to express your uncomfortable emotions, but if the person really cares about you and is mature enough, they will listen.
Denying your emotions causes stress, so it’s really in your best interest to take some chances and say how you feel. By doing this you are being true to yourself.
The whole idea of communicating your feelings is to improve the quality of your relationships.
For me, the key is to tell myself, ‘I’m just saying what I need to say and I’ll be as gentle as possible’, but the bottom line is - ‘I want to feel better and be understood.’
What’s the difference between feelings and emotions?
There is a fundamental difference between feelings and emotions.
Feelings are experienced consciously, while emotions manifest, either consciously or subconsciously.
Some people may spend years, or even a lifetime not understanding the depths of their emotions.
The study of the differences is vast and not something I am going to cover in this blog as it’s very technical and complex. But, here’s a simple explanation, given by Dr. Sarah McKay, neuroscientist, and author of ‘The Women’s Brain Book.’
“Emotions play out in the theater of the body.
Feelings play out in the theater of the mind.”
—Dr. McKay
Reasons why you might find it difficult to express your emotions
You may have a fear of conflict – you are afraid of ‘angry feelings’, probably due to some experience in childhood such as an angry parent, caregiver, or teacher.
Fear of rejection – you think, if I say how I truly feel, they may not like me and leave me. So, instead, you choose to say nothing and continue to appease them.
Emotional perfectionism – you believe you should always be rational and in control. This could stem from your family’s makeup or even your culture.
You don’t know exactly how you feel - this makes it difficult for you to express the feeling. Be specific when you are trying to locate the feeling.
You think you are the only one who feels this way.
You are not sure if you can trust yourself – you think, ‘Maybe I am wrong, they will laugh at me’. Learn to trust your feelings. No one can tell you your feelings are wrong.
Hopelessness – Psych Central states that ‘perhaps you feel you have done all that you can do and the relationship is dead.’
Low self-esteem– you feel you do not have a right to ask for what you want in a relationship.
Mind reading – you think others should just know what you want without you asking, so you feel disappointed. You need to learn to communicate your needs and wants to others.
* If you are in an abusive relationship and you are afraid you will be in danger if you speak your truth - I would suggest you see a therapist to discuss steps you can take to improve your situation.
Speaking your truth involves wisdom and discernment as not everyone is healthy enough to hear what you have to say.
Repressed emotions lead to depression
It is a serious problem, so if you struggle with this, know that there is hope. You can learn how to communicate more effectively.
When I discovered how to express my emotions without fear, my life changed dramatically. It wasn’t an easy transition, but the benefits were tremendous.
I developed the courage to be more open and honest. It was quite an awakening to learn how to manage my emotions.
Steps to communicating your feelings to others
Deliver it calmly.
You are simply telling them how you feel and how they are affecting you.
Be clear and specific.. for example, ‘When you said that, I felt hurt because I felt you didn’t care about me. I felt rejected.’
Don’t blame them for hurting you, just tell them how their behavior affected you. They can choose what they do with that information. You are doing it for you. You are not responsible for how they feel. That’s their responsibility.
Don’t confront someone with an outcome in mind, then you won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t go how you imagined.
They might be surprised, so give them time to process the information.
If you can’t communicate it in person, send a letter or e-mail. At least you won’t have to deal with their immediate reaction and it’s in black and white for them to read again later.
Don’t worry about what they think of you. You are doing this for you. You are not out to hurt them but to show them how you feel when they say or do things that you don’t like.
Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best! If you choose your words, tone, and timing well, you may improve the quality of the relationship, but keep in mind that it’s better not to have a particular outcome in mind.
Setting boundaries reveals the truth
In some cases, where I had to set healthy boundaries, it exposed what Cloud and Townsend, in their book Boundaries, call a non-relationship.
This was my worst fear, that maybe they never really loved me in the first place.
Well, isn’t it better to know the truth rather than spend your precious time on people who don’t value you?
The other possibility is that the person you had to confront is not mature enough to face their shortcomings, and so there is little you can do. They may eventually come back to you, but you can’t waste your time waiting - you have a life to live.
When you learn to value yourself and lovingly speak your truth, you start to attract better people into your life, because when you know your worth, somehow others do too.
Communicating your feelings to others is an act of love as you are clearing up any misunderstandings in the relationship.
Thank you for reading!
If you are interested in finding out more about how I can help you, please email me at:
orlakennycoaching@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
Blessings!
Órla
Órla Kenny - Christian Life Coach
You can also find me on Linked In
Image: Free Photo from Pixabay/Stock
I'm reading through Boundaries right now by Cloud & Townsend and it's so eye-opening and refreshing too to see the biblical perspective of boundaries. I hope to continue healing in this area of my life. Radical honesty is never easy but is always worth it.